How Did I Get HIV?
I practiced safe sex.
I was too smart to ever contract HIV! I knew everything there was to know about safe sex. My partner of 13 years was HIV Positive when we met, and I considered it a challenging situation, but nothing we couldn’t handle. I loved him and that was the bottom line.
Safe sex is sometimes tedious and boring and lacks the spontaneity that puts the “zip” in any relationship. But we never did anything proven to be “unsafe.” We took the risk with oral sex because it seemed worth it, and we rationalized that we had never seen a porn star wearing a condom for a fellatio. I think we were in sync with just about all the couples we know. We also never allowed the act to come to completion in a way that exchanged any body fluids.
But, I still contracted HIV.
About two years ago, I got very tired and felt very sick. My doctor sent me for a cardiac stress test which I could not finish because I could not breathe. She gave me every blood test possible, except for an HIV test, until she ordered one as a last resort– a shot in the dark! I was getting those about every eighteen months at the anonymous clinic nearby. When her office called to tell me that I had to come in to discuss some test results, I had a fairly good idea what was coming. She bopped into the room, told me it was a positive and gave me the name of an infectious disease doctor. The following Monday I was admitted to the hospital with very few t-cells and a high viral load. I was feeling horrible and weak and generally rotten. In the emergency room, I realized I was getting extraordinary care, many blood tests and lots of strange (yet kind) looks from the nurses and doctors who scrambled about. I was admitted with a diagnosis of pneumocystis carinii pneumonia and spent the following two weeks hooked up to IV tubes and getting numbers drugs and having no appetite or interest in anything. It really had not sunken in.
How Did I Get “It”?
So, how did I get “it”? What happened? No one is supposed to ask the question, but we have to ask it of ourselves. I progressed unusually quickly and baffled all the experts. On really analyzing the history of my progression, I realized that I did get the virus from my husband, but in one of the most boring and unexpected ways possible. I had been having oral surgery on a regular basis, and blood from his saliva was transmitted to the minor tears in my gums during simple kissing. Not the “go for the tonsils” kind of thing, but simple kissing!
Why I’m Sharing My Story.
I am sharing my story because I see, hear and read so much misinformation about HIV infection and transmission. All the while, I realize that I am alive today because of the anti-viral medications which were not available to the many friends I lost in the past whose names are memorialized on the NAMES PROJECT/AID Memorial Quilt.
My Advice.
HIV/AIDS is a treatable chronic disease in many respects, but is a death sentence just the same. To combat the virus, we must take highly toxic drugs which have side effects that can interfere with the quality of life. To date, I am fortunate that most of my complaints center on depression and lack of energy and a very unstable appetite. I can also say that my libido is as unpredictable as my temperament at times
The adherence to all safe sex practices is essential. When I hear younger guys infer that they are being “deprived” of sexual pleasure and “freedom” I realize that they have probably never stood at the bedside of a dying friend, nor had to live their lives in constant reliance on doctors and pharmacists and drug companies… not to mention the phlebotomists who draw blood in vampire-like fashion at times.
On the plus side, HIV has given me a whole new perspective on my life. I long ago overcame the stigma of being gay. I am proud to be gay, and I am an activist in most of the ways I can. True friends have stood by me; the rest were not really friends in the first place. My family is stressed by my situation, but their love never wavers. My husband is the same dude he always was, but I feel incredibly closer to him now. I also see a side of the gay community which is not extremely pleasant. Some of our wealthier gay brothers and sisters are extremely intolerant and unsympathetic now because they are no longer losing their friends on a weekly basis as in the past. They also seem to assume that HIV is only contracted by derelicts and IV drug abusers or stupid and irresponsible gay people. They don’t support AIDS-related charities as they once did, nor do they ever seem to acknowledge that it is still taking a toll in our own community.
While I disagree totally with the abstinence only policies of the President, I also find it ironic that “barebacking” videos and promiscuous sex propaganda are so rampant today. I am also acutely aware that I probably will need some public assistance in the future to afford the cost of the drugs I am now taking. The average cost of HIV medications is over $35,000 a year!
It is my hope that you will save this article and read it when you are tempted to practice unsafe sex. I also hope that you will realize that accidents do occur and that transmission, as in my case, can occur unconsciously and accidentally. Putting the stigma on other gay people with HIV is probably one of the worst ways we allow our damaged self-esteem and our insecure attitudes to destroy the lives of the people we should love and respect the most… others who are gay and fighting for our lives on all fronts!
My Life Now.
Now, after two years, my t-cells are not the greatest but my viral load is undetectable. I have a regimen of medications to take, and I have only recently been told that I was indeed at death’s door when I first came to the hospital.
RJ
